domingo, 18 de julio de 2010

Goteras.

Es una presión suave, un latido apenas perceptible. Es el polo gravitatorio que se confunde con la pesadez de una mañana helada. Es el sopor parecido al de los ojos que acaban de abrirse; al dolor que abruma por el primer sol del día. Pero es saber mucho más que eso: es estar avispado. Es saber sublimar.
No es perder el sueño ni tomarme de las mechas con inquietud. No. Es buscar las ideas; es la necesidad de exteriorizar esa energía que hace eco dentro de mí. Que ahora reposa.
Pero que late.
Es poder ceder a un mandato interno; es superar el miedo al orgullo, a hacer bocina con las manos y gritar que acá estoy, ¡Que todavía estoy! Es saber cuándo gritar que estoy y cuándo llamarme a silencio. Es saber que solo se trata de presionar un botón. Pero tener siempre implícito que no me será necesario.
Es algo que me pica, algo de lo que me acuerdo cuando tengo la libertad de trabajar mi cabeza a mil por el mero placer de hacer chispear mis neuronas porque sí; porque de nada sirve, porque quiero; porque mi cabeza se me antoja la cabeza de un fósforo, que quiero encender para que todos vean mi pálido destello antes de apagarse y volver a la mera rotación de palanca; a mantener el ritmo de una marea somnolienta.
A gotear.
A gotear para siga goteando. A gotear para que la fina película de agua se siga moviendo.
A gotear para no levantar la perdiz.
A gotear despacito para poder ver el fondo y constatar que el latido persiste y entibia el agua. Para saber que puedo pisar, que puedo sentarme, acostarme, cruzarme de piernas y apoyar mi nuca sobre mis manos; sobre ese suelo de vivos colores. Para dormir al calor de su pulso. Para cerrar los ojos y saber que todo va a seguir, que el timón lo tengo yo y la velocidad, el ritmo, el tenor y la dirección no me van a fallar.
Es saber encontrarle la medida justa al malestar mentiroso; es saber que sigo pisando, que la marea no me mueve; que puedo contestar con una sonrisa sincera al grito pelado de una infelicidad tan ponzoñosa, tan distinta a la mía. Es darme cuenta de que solo yo puedo moverme de mi lugar, que tanto la declaración de guerra como la tregua final están en mis manos.
Es querer mirar a los ojos sin levantar la cabeza. Ni agacharla.
No sé si tengo la capacidad de cumplir con alguno de estos mandatos de un orgullo que se me hace esquivo. Hacía bastante que no escribía; que quería hacerlo, que no tenía ideas. Que no las tengo.
Entonces, recurrí a expresar esto durante las líneas precedentes.
Astuta salida, ¿Ha visto?

8 comentarios:

Cielo dijo...

Si, pero el fracaso existe mientras vos le des cabida. Y haces bien, no te das cuenta? Somos algunos, pero cada vez seremos mas. Y ahi vamos a seguir festejando. Siempre sonria de la infelicidad ponzoñoza y hagalo como quien no quiere la cosa, ya usted sabe cómo. Salute.

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